The odds you exist at all are minuscule. Minuscule is already very small but vanishingly so.
Were it not for your existence— and the fairly watertight argument that presents to the contrary—the probability can be thought of as basically zero.
And given it covers all of us living now, and all those who have ever lived, that word 'basically' is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
But some of us are luckier still. Unimaginably so.
Were you intent on cocooning yourself in comfort and convenience, eating hyper-palatable foodstuffs (delivered) and switching your attention endlessly between entertainment and distraction, then, in the whole swathe of human history, you have hit the jackpot.
Timed it such that you live in a society ready-made to deliver those ends on a plate. Everything in your life, from waking to sleep, is smoothing that path. Indeed, you need no agency whatsoever, and you'll be ticking all those boxes in no time.
But given where you're reading this, I'm guessing that's not you. And it's not me, so, in this instance, our still considerable luck has run out, because not much in the wider world is going to help in that regard. And much more is going to hurt.
We're not exactly eking out a hard-scrabble existence and toiling from dawn to dusk, and are well past the ‘nasty, brutish and short’ as described by Hobbes, but our life expectancy, which has been steadily on the rise since the 1870s, is now trending in the other direction.
So not short, necessarily. But shorter.
And it's reasonable to believe that much of that comes down to what we eat. I would have used the word food, except it isn't.
And barely 48 hours into our Real Food Challenge, it was brought to my attention that— even in light of the 10-day runway to get ready— I overlooked something.
A BIG something. A something that quickly becomes all too obvious when it comes to real food — that being, food without ingredients.
They are ingredients. And, in many cases, not too useful if you can't cook.
I failed to consider this because being lucky enough to take it for granted I forget it doesn't come built-in. Which is a little strange because my wonderful1 partner in crime can't boil water. But then, not really, because I do all the cooking, so I'm rarely reminded of her… let’s go with limitations, in that regard. Which, given both my culinary chops and our earlier subject matter makes her pretty much the luckiest human of all.
Anyway, I messed up. You’ll be comforted to know I have systems and forms that would prevent this in a more formal setting, but there were no such tripwires here. Nothing to prevent my imploring you all to just eat real food for a bit— as if saying no to the Tim Tams was the hard part.
In doing so, I failed coaching step one, that of meeting (some of) my charges where they are at.
And so, suitably chastened, to those concerned I issue a new challenge: forgo the real food, for now. Spend the next 30 days learning to cook instead.
The avenues for learning are many. A search for 'best YouTube channels for learning to cook' is where I would start. But you could further personalise that with your favourite cuisine. Or add a dash of hardcase with Nat's What I Reckon.
Commit to learning just one dish a week for 30 days. Compared to eating real food only it's super easy. The same rules apply - you're in or you're out. No half-arsing it.
However, if you’re one of these people—guys especially— who claim they can't cook and yet when the BBQ comes out they're all over it, the jig is up. And you can get with the real food program. If you’ve managed to rustle something up by moving hot coals around you're going to find it a damn sight easier with a dial. And if you've got one of those flash-harry setups and have been using a dial, then you are cooking, mate. The only thing you're missing is a roof.
Otherwise, remember, you’re just trying to knock out a standard, everyday meal, it’s not Masterchef. In many cases ‘cooking’ is nothing more than assembly. Just arranging stuff on a plate. A tray of roasted veg is little more of a stretch. Then learn to cook a steak or roast a chicken.
Set aside enough time, so you're not hurried, put on some good music, have a glass of wine and — prerequisite for learning — get ready to suck.
I'm kidding, it's hard to mess up. Besides, it's not heart surgery so it doesn't matter if you do.
Like any unknown, it might be intimidating but recipes are built around the same fundamental techniques and once you learn these, the world is your oyster. Only then you can enjoy it au naturale or Kilpatrick.
There are but 3 things you need to know before you begin:
Read the recipe in full before you start
Read the recipe in full before you start
Read the recipe in full before you start
Cooking is FAR more forgiving than baking but those of you with a sweet tooth could also learn to bake and then you'll know exactly what is in the chocolate cake you are having a second slice of.
Sure, you can get by without it but then most food is served on, in or around a poor-quality carbohydrate, restaurant food is loaded with fat, salt and sugar, and convenience foods have the bonus of preservatives and stabilisers.
Everything is absurdly portioned.
This doesn’t mean you should never eat these foods, but if they are your default how does that align with even basic health much less a more specific goal? A point recognised by the Mayo Clinic’s ‘participation kitchen’ that is aiming to:
help people emerging from a medical crisis who are ready to use that difficult moment in their lives as a pivot point. Learning to prepare healthy meals can aid the transition from their current lifestyle to one that may keep them out of the emergency room in the future.
It's a great idea, if not a little late in the piece. As with any other fitness or dietary venture, the medical crisis as catalyst is optional.
By taking ownership of most of what you eat, you'll enjoy health benefits far outweighing any other dietary intervention. It’s this wresting back control that puts this skill squarely in the Leftfield camp. Bringing any food-related fitness goals—which is to say all of them— back into your locus of control.
DIYourself. Not having your success determined by factors outside your domain of influence and hoping it all works out. Fingers crossed.
Your life may not depend on it, but your quality of life does. But, I think, it goes deeper than that. Since the advent of fire, few skills have come to define us more.
Cooking is a human being being human.
As a window into other cultures, it broadens your enjoyment of food on every level. Food is our shared language describing our geography, climate, history and religion and learning even the most basic culinary alchemy doesn't just make it easier to look after yourself, it makes eating more enjoyable.
Especially when you didn't cook it, right?
Yes, chef!
- OLI
She who proofreads these posts. For which I am very grateful.